Infertility has given me a different perspective on life. I used to think that I could control my destiny but with this trial, I had to let my destiny control me for a time. I had to lay down my pride and let everything that I expected in life go. It was like I took all my expectations, beliefs, hopes and dreams about motherhood from the past, threw them away and started over from scratch. I had to open myself up in a way that has helped me rely on faith and confidence more. Faith and confidence that if I did everything that I knew how to open up my life to being a parent, that everything would work out. But I had to do my part. I had to work hard at it. Adopting for me was like a full time job and then some. When we were trying to adopt it was all I could think about. A Lot of things went on hold. I would say that I now have a gift that I did not possess before and that is the gift of empathy for others. I am rarely offended or judgmental of others because I realize that life is not black and white and you never know what could be going on with a person that could be helping or hindering them. It has given me the chance to overcome and deal with disappointment in a way that I never could before.
I can honestly say that I am grateful for infertility because if I hadn't been infertile, I wouldn't have my girls--MY BABIES. They are as much a part of me as my own skin. Every day of my life this fact is revealed to mr more and more. I now could never imagine my life any other way and it all makes sense. Without the experience I had, I wouldn't have the deep appreciation that I have now for the privilege of being their mom. I would not know for myself that being a mother is so much more than giving birth. Birth is how we come into this world. The person who nurtures and creates a bond to the baby after its born is the mother. It is the deep gratitude you feel when your child is born into this world because you can hardly believe that the dream that you have had for so long has finally corm true. It is the deep feeling of protection and care for the child you feel--that you would die before anyone could ever take her away. It is the rocking, the kissing, the feeding, the changing, the singing...the sacrifice of your time, your comforts, your sleep because you care about her more than you care for yourself. It is freely giving of yourself willingly. It's the absolute inability to bear not being there for her. It's the time you have spent caring, knowing, loving, sharing, overcoming. Being a mother is so many things, but of all these time spent is the most significant. The bonding that occurs between a baby and her mother over time can never be replaced or broken.
So this means we are all mothers. We are all part of the club even though we haven't given birth!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Women's Work
I liked it at first but started to feel completely unfulfilled like I was in the right place at the wrong time
The Car Accident
It's like getting into a serious car accident each and every month.
What hurts-EVERYTHING
When you see a mother at the grocery store--you count her children and get a flash of jealousy and a twinge of bitterness
Baby showers remind you of your inability to conceive and what you may never get to experience
Sunday the Worst Day of the Week
Spiritually dead, families, babies, the faithful fast and prayer answered, baby blessings, bible stories that are one sided dealing with judgmental and clueless people
Pillow Under My Shirt
I am not a Dr. I don't have special degrees but I consider myself an expert on the subject of infertility. No one can understand it if they haven't gone through it. We belong to a club that nobody wants to join. We all take it for granted that we will get married and have children someday
Pillow under the shirt, playing house, baby dolls and barbies
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